Tuesday, February 10, 2009

one year and 37 weeks

it's been one year since mom passed on from this world to the next.
it's been 37 weeks that bean has been getting ready to enter this world from the womb world.

i am celebrating both of them today.

i am remembering mom today - not the mom who died in hospice a year ago, her body crippled with multiple myeloma, but the mom who mothered me for 62 years. the mom who taught me what unconditional love feels like. the mom who was always my champion. the mom who taught me the value of true friends and community, in good times and bad. the mom who provided endless opportunities for fun and play, and knew how to have a good laugh. the mom who, whether working or not, always put a home cooked meal on the table and insisted we eat together as a family - even if this meant dinner at 8:30pm. the mom with the green thumb, whose yards were always beautiful and whose houses were full of plants. the mom who knew how to use coupons and look for sales and stretch a little money into a lot of groceries. the wordsmith mom - with her intense love of crossword puzzles and the way she could command a room during her trainings. the mom who spoke her mind. the stubborn, fierce, my-way-or-the-highway mom. the mom who could talk about her children endlessly to friends or strangers.

i believe that one of the best ways i can honor mom's spirit is to (attempt to) bring some of what i learned from her about being a good mother to my relationship with bean. i have felt her spirit with me strongly in the last few weeks, and believe she's going to be with me during my labor and my early journey into motherhood. i am very excited about bean's arrival, and hope that the love that mom offered to me during her time here on earth will nourish bean and our new family.

i appreciate all of you who remembered me today with emails and phone calls.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

getting closer...



well, this mama (and papa!) are quite pleased that the bean decided to float and kick and squirm and sleep his/her way through the next few weeks head down. last time we saw the midwife we were told that bean was lying "transverse" - in other words, sideways across my belly. today (with the birth center's newly purchased ultrasound machine) we confirmed that bean is head down, getting ready...

at least this is some consolation for the horrendous rib pain i am having in my right side. seems like bean is getting big enough to be crowding my organs, thus causing me lots of pain. (not to mention heartburn from hell!)

i am hard at work reading everything i can get my hands on to prepare for the arrival of bean, including _the no cry sleep solution_, _the happiest baby on the block_, and just to mix it up a bit, _the maternal is political_. i figure the part of me that can't function without sleep needs as much instruction as the activist part of me when it comes to how motherhood is going to change me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

happy president obama day!

i am so incredibly happy and feel so blessed that the first president that my child will know is obama.  i was moved by both openly gay episcopal bishop gene robinson's invocation at the inaugural concert, and civil rights hero rev. lowery's benediction after obama was sworn in.  here they are for your enjoyment:

bishop gene robinson's invocation:

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic “answers” we’ve preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be “fixed” anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and  warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion’s God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.

Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln’s reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy’s ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King’s dream of a nation for ALL the people.

Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.

Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.

Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.

Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.

Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters’ childhoods.

And please, God, keep him safe.  We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we’re asking FAR too much of this one.  We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe.  Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.

AMEN.

rev. lowery's benediction:

God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, thou who has brought us thus far along the way, thou who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path, we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met thee, lest our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee. Shadowed beneath thy hand may we forever stand -- true to thee, O God, and true to our native land.

We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we've shared this day. We pray now, O Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant, Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration. He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national and, indeed, the global fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hand, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations. Our faith does not shrink, though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.

For we know that, Lord, you're able and you're willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor or the least of these and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.

We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that, yes, we can work together to achieve a more perfect union. And while we have sown the seeds of greed -- the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.

And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.

And as we leave this mountaintop, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.

Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little, angelic Sasha and Malia.

We go now to walk together, children, pledging that we won't get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone, with your hands of power and your heart of love.

Help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nation shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid; when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man -- (laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right.

Let all those who do justice and love mercy say amen.

AUDIENCE: Amen!

REV. LOWERY: Say amen --

AUDIENCE: Amen!

REV. LOWERY: -- and amen.

AUDIENCE: Amen! (Cheers, applause.)


Thursday, January 1, 2009

happy new year!

What I Have Learned So Far

Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, proper-
ly attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is sug-
gestion. Can one be passionate about the just, the
ideal, the sublime, and the holy, and yet commit
to no labor in its cause? I don't think so.

All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds toward radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of--indolence, or action.

Be ignited, or be gone.

--Mary Oliver

Happy 2009 everyone.
Best wishes for a new year filled with fruitful
labor (not just for me and the bean!), delight,
justice and love.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

30 weeks and counting...

happy solstice everyone.
tonight is the longest night of the year.
tomorrow the light starts to return.

i am very aware of time these days.
i am now 30 weeks pregnant, which means in seven short weeks
i will be "full term."

soon i will be having the first christmas of my life without my mom,
who i will miss and remember very much on this holiday. this is also
the first christmas i will have with the bean.

i want to take time to remember my mom, and the way that she and our
family celebrated christmas. i want to remember to be grateful for all of the
ways she made christmas special. i am reminding myself to slow down and
savor these last few weeks of bean being a part of my body. i am, if nothing else,
a planner. so i need these days to calm my anxiety about all
the things that need to get done and all the baby books i need to read
and all the horrible things that could happen and J U S T
B R E A T H E. i hope the solstice, and the coming new year,
(or maybe just the winter chill!) offers you a chance to
slow down and remember and reflect.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

courage

happy thanksgiving, y'all.

this thanksgiving i am grateful for many things.
as usual in my life, the thing i am most grateful for is my people.

i've been thinking a lot about courage lately.
the people i claim as my people are courageous.

they battle breast cancer, deal with recovery from double masectomies.
they've lost six month old babies who they visited every day in the hospital, only to never be able to bring them home. they've held, washed, clothed, and cradled their still born babies.
they've been sexually assaulted and abused.
they've lost loved ones to katrina, iraq, depression, cancer, addiction, and guns.
they suffer with depression, eating disorders, anxiety.
they've lost their hair, their ability to walk, their sight, their ability to eat most things, their indepedence (and their retirement savings!).
they've lost their closest friends and family after claiming their sexual orientation or gender identity. they've gained and then lost the ability to marry their partners.

but these people are my people because even in the face of all of this, they haven't lost their ability to laugh, or to make the people around them do the same. my people still want to know how YOU are, even as they are barely hanging on. my people know how to celebrate small victories and big blessings. my people know how to be grumpy as hell and how to cry. my people possess a certain amount of grace that helps to see them through. they may not be able to forgive themselves, but they definitely forgive you.

my people have not given up hope. my people know what's important - my people know that all we have is each other and a sense that things could be better. my people know about taking risks to get there.

the thing that has stuck with me since the historic evening of november 4th is this - many Americans - enough of us - were able to see through the lies and fear mongering to vote for a president who had been branded a pal to terrorists, a socialist, and a Muslim. (by the way, some of my closest friends are Muslim, so it really hurts me that this was considered an insult...) Many Americans - enough - voted for a man named Barack Hussein Obama - in a country where anything foreign is suspect. The fact that enough people took this risk and voted for hope and not fear makes me think maybe there are more of my people out there than I realized. And for that I'm thankful.

Monday, November 24, 2008

the little bean is not so little.


here's the 25 week picture, a week belated...
much more to say, coming soon.